It's Like High School All Over Again

There's this boy who I want a 'lil something something from and I think he may want a 'lil something something, too. So why the heck isn't the 'lil something something happening?!

I feel like I'm back in high school again. I have a "crush" on a boy and though I'm not completely certain he feels the same way I know something is there. The problem is that nothing is happening because I'm either too "reserved" or, *gasp,* he's just not that into me. However, I highly doubt it's the former. (But I fear that will be the case unless something happens soon).

It's not like I want anything serious.

Sigh.

Oh well. I'll get over this sooner or later.

You Can't Have Your Cake & Eat It Too

Can you say to someone "I wish I had you back," "the thought of being with you again is the only thing keeping me going," and "I never thought I would miss or need you this much" when you're sleeping with other people? I don't think you can say it with honesty and sincerity so I have a hard time believing it when he says that to me.

You can't have me--emotionally, mentally, or physically--when you're with other people. Not the way you used to, anyway; not anymore.

He accuses me of being able to turn on and off my love for him, which isn't true. I've just walked away from it. I do love him but I don't want him if this is what comes with it.

Unfortunately, we've both dug ourselves into two separate holes. He didn't want to get out of his hole; he said anything we say now to change and/or improve things will only be lies and I believed him. Perhaps it's why the things he says now are taken with a grain of salt and why I've now accepted settling into my "hole."

And I'm content--maybe even happy.

A.S.A.P., Please

When you realize you want to spend the rest of your life with someone,

You want the rest of your life to start as soon as possible.

Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind

"Remember, with Lacuna Inc. you can forget."

The Lacuna Inc. staff has made giant strides in brain research. They have discovered a simple and effective way to remove problem memories. No longer do you have to live with life debilitating memories. Live again, take the steps now!

It's days like these that make you wish an organization like Lacuna Inc. really existed.

Immediate relief is always an irresistable temptation that prevents you from seeing how a quick fix isn't always right. You're meant to grow stronger and to learn from your experiences--both the good and the bad, right? Besides, if you're able to erase any upsetting memory then either you don't have any memory left or you're disgustingly happy twenty-four seven.

As Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind shows there are days when it's all too painful and tiring, days when it will be easier to smile at a stranger than to smile at someone you love. But, it also demonstrates that, in the long run, sometimes it's better to remember than to forget.

He Will Be Loved

Where do I begin? Well, even I don’t know… So I’m going to let it all out here.

We’re going to be apart for some nine months. He was originally to study abroad but now he’s studying at another school on the exact opposite side of the country for the upcoming semester due to a change in plans. We’ll be able to contact each other more easily, however, I’m not quite sure if that’s such a good thing. If he's abroad then I’d have a reason for not hearing from him because of unreliable communication access but if we’re in the same country (with a cellphone whose number I’ve dialed so many times from heart) then I’d just be wondering, ‘Why isn’t he picking up?,’ ‘Why isn’t he calling me back?,’ and so on.

He’s made me feel like our history and love for one another should ease our transition back together no matter what happens while we’re apart. In a way, that is how I feel. There’s this part of me that will always wait to be with him regardless of how distance and time separates us and that anything between now and then will be something insignificant with a, well, baxter. Nevertheless, it’s a feeling that I don’t want taken advantage of.

Regardless, we’re on a “break.” Perhaps that’s all I need to tell myself, but, what exactly does a ‘break’ insinuate? He’s said it’s simply a nicer way of saying a couple has broken up amicably yet he’s also suggested otherwise regarding our specific circumstance.

I just don’t want the awkwardness and the indefinite wait. I love him, but, I don’t want to awkwardly wonder if it’s still appropriate to say those words to him because I don’t want it to mean anything less for either of us when I say it next. I love him, but, I don’t want to be his fall back after dreadfully anticipating for the band aid to be torn off. I like certainty when it comes to the sensitive matters of the heart especially when my heart is dangling by a thread off my sleeve.

I won’t talk to him about this. Besides, I know he’d rather not discuss this, he won’t mind if I see other people, and he’s always ready for a break. There really isn’t anything I can do. After all, I do understand that it’s unrealistic to stay together when you don’t know when you’re going to next see each other again and that it’s better to just go with whatever feels right. I suppose it’s his often nonchalant attitude that has helped me come to terms with that. However, knowing myself I'll be on a defensive mode; I'll probably only put in as much effort as him in fear of looking like a lovesick fool.

None of it makes me love him any less because it ironically just makes me want to be with him even more. (And I feel oh so vulnerable just saying that). So, for now, I'm just going with the flow and enjoy it.

What Did You Say?

I do need and want to be reminded sincerely that I'm loved every once in a while. I think that any girl needs that. If that doesn't happen, then my imaginative and pessimistic mind starts wandering into a variety of, sadly, unfortunate reasons for the infrequency.

Let's Play Catch With My Heart

Don’t you just love the curveballs life constantly throws at you? I had another one thrown at me this morning, which I caught in trepidation and will in fact hold on to. The only thing I ask for is that things be different this time because I’m tired of being proven that my heart is worth breaking.

Vulnerability

I watched 'Ocean's Thirteen' tonight (before its official release date in the US, mind you) and 'Meet the Robinsons,' both of which I enjoyed it. However, I won't go into much details about either movies tonight because I am beyond tired and I'm doing some research and write-ups for my internship but failing miserably. Perhaps I will tomorrow.

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So I thought I was doing fine but this evening I realized that I'm actually not okay. The one person who I want to talk to about how I feel is the very person I can't talk to about how I feel. Although there are others who have offered their kindness and expressed their eagerness to help me through this I can't bring myself to talk to them because I don't want to open up to anyone anymore.

I want to tell him that I'm not okay, I want him to be able to relate to how I feel, and I want him to care. Unfortunately, you can't always have what you want. He won't care the way he used to, he won't relate to how I feel because I know he's happier without me, nor will he know that I'm not okay since I already feel so vulnerable because of him.

I'm not someone who opens up very easily. Therefore, when I do open up it means I'm comfortable with the level our relationship has progressed to but then I close up again once our relationship changes. (It doesn't matter what type of relationship it was to begin with). It's not that I no longer trust the person; I'm just overcome with the paralyzing feeling of vulnerability.

Sigh.

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My reviews on 'Ocean's Thirteen' and 'Meet the Robinsons' tomorrow!

No Regrets

PostSecret

A regret I never want to have.

But I never let anyone I truly loved slip through my fingers,
they let me slip through theirs.

He lost me.

Rollercoaster

Two long-term relationships in the span of four years teaches you that nothing should ever be taken for granted nor is anything as smooth-smailing as you want. You also learn that it's one tumultuous rollercoaster ride; it has its highs and lows, its excitement and dread, its calmness and turbulence. There are some rollercoasters that make you feel exhilirated at the end and some that are scarring. Overall, it is an enjoyable experience but it can get arduous.

I'll end my love:rollercoaster analogy here.

I am a strong believer in the innate goodness of people and in karma, so I do try to be the best person I can be because they will do the same. However, I am only human and I do occassionally trip, which is when karma comes up behind you to bite you in the ass. Karma must me like a lot because its bite has been clamped onto my ass for quite some time now with its teeth reaching the core of who I am.

Towards the end of my first (real and serious) relationship I simply gave up and became emotionally unattached. It went from an intra-city long distance relationship to a transcontinental one, and I'm someone that needs the physical intimacy of a relationship. We've always been physically separated but our forthcoming emotional separation only materialized after I lied to him to make him happy, stayed with him because that was what he wanted, and used him to help me get through the daily routines of life... I met someone who I knew could make me happy and I could love with every ounce of my being.

Now it feels like the tables have been turned; what I did to someone is being done to me. Has karma finally caught up with me? Or am I just neurotically overanalyzing every tiny detail that I like to do much too often?

...

I won't be including the rest of what I wrote because I don't want to write it off like an angry school girl furiously writing away in her diary.

I'm in love with you, and I always will be--you know that but I'll continue reminding you. I just want you to show me that you love me. Anything at all. A girl likes to reminded every once in a while.